@UncleDuke1969
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
@baronvonbike
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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@UncleDuke1969
@SJSchauer
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
@Mirimade
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
@DevilryFun
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
@omgthatspunny
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
@Tommytoughstuff
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
@kumailn
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
@T_N_Crumpets
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
@PetrickSara
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
@SternoShots
Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?