Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Found the job I’m suited for