Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Has there ever been a more American story?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.