Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.

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School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?


My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.


*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face


Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?


[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.