I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp