Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

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How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

*Keeps plucking*


if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?


I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.


Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly


Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.


Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.


Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.


Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti