Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Chemical wingman
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.