Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
You Might Also Like
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.