I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
True freaking story!
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,