Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.