Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
This is I, Robot all over again
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.