I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days