being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.