being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.


[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”


Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014


Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.


[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*


I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?


You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.


I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies


If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits


13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.