Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
You Might Also Like
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat