Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
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The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*