Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
😎 🍻
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*