Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.


Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.


Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.


Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes


As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.


Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.


And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.

But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.


My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me


[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value