How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
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Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”