ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.