being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I can also cook 😂
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Best spoiler warning ever
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent