tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
SO MUCH BLOOD!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
-It’s raining men.