@TigNotaro
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
@sweetmomissa
Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would
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@TigNotaro
@Leemanish
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
@EllieM72
The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*
@aotakeo
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
@weinerdog4life
Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.
@KeetPotato
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
@NurseSeymour
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
@thetobbie
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
@Iwriteforcats
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.