@sweetmomissa

Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would

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@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

@Leemanish

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

@EllieM72

The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*

@aotakeo

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

@weinerdog4life

Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.

@KeetPotato

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

@NurseSeymour

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@Iwriteforcats

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.