There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”