@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

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@MomOnFire

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

@CrockettForReal

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

@Parentpains

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

@Playing_Dad

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

@Shot_Of_Cabo

“Wanna fool around while the baby is asleep?” I ask to the woman next to me on the plane who I’ve never met before and whose baby is asleep.

@Extramediumcom1

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

@Dad_At_Law

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

@patnspankme

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

@Kalarlis

holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?