Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…


I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?


Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.


[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders


I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy


“Wanna fool around while the baby is asleep?” I ask to the woman next to me on the plane who I’ve never met before and whose baby is asleep.


Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.


So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.


A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.


holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?