@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

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@TEXASVETERAN

I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that’s why girls call me Frankenstein.

@sixfootcandy

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

@HughGoesThere

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

@SatansTongue

*at a concert*
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK
(Crowd)
“YEAAAAH”
LETS DO THIS HIT IT
*30 second ad plays first*

@shawnspree

In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

@joejwest

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

@Donnie_Fairburn

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

@chrisanna4real

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.

@rachelle_mandik

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise