Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.