Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit