Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Shower sex be like:
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.