Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]