Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
This is my favorite one of these!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision