Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.