@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

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@OllyiConic

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@ThaJawn

4:*calls thing wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*repeats wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly

@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

@fro_vo

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

@Jake_Vig

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

@BadassBarbie11

The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.

@thrillhicks

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.