cop: got any drugs on you
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
4:*calls thing wrong name
4:*repeats wrong name
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.