Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“Wait, let me explain..”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
A leaf blower, but for people.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.