Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.