Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*
Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.
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Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
Apparently, “Step up your game” isn’t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[having girl over]
me: I work from home
her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer
*loud lion noises from bedroom*
me: ignore that
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.