Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.

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Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
Her: Fine.

*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*

Me: Sweeeeeet


Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*


Apparently, “Step up your game” isn’t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.


Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.


[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.


A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.


Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?


No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.


[having girl over]
me: I work from home
her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer
*loud lion noises from bedroom*
me: ignore that


I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.