Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My love language is hissing.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
girls literally only want one thing..
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
They’re the worst 😩
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
😏😏😏
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.