Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

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14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people


22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”


Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you


gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me


Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.


NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05


[on the phone]


Me: hi. yes. how do I get free HBO?

DIRECTV Rep: sorry Mr. Smith it’s for new customers only.

[2 minutes later]


Me: [wearing fake mustache] hi. yes-


It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.


Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.


$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”