@HomeWithPeanut

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

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@jngraphs

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

@AndyAsAdjective

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

@Gupton68

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

@Sickayduh

NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

@NewDadNotes

[on the phone]

DIRECTV Rep: DIRECTV.

Me: hi. yes. how do I get free HBO?

DIRECTV Rep: sorry Mr. Smith it’s for new customers only.

[2 minutes later]

DIRECTV Rep: DIRECTV.

Me: [wearing fake mustache] hi. yes-

@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

@leechee420

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”