Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
“you recording!?”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive