Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: