Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore