Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!


BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*


ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*


If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money


I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.


I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.



My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.


“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”


Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.


[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!


ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.