I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?