Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.