HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code
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Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.