@internetluke

Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code

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@ClichedOut

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

@JB4Realz

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.

@intellegint

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

@JustDontBugMe

Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Mom: *faints*
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@IwanWil

I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.