Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code

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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this


Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.


Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.


[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.


In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find


“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children


Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.


Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.


Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?




M: Gravy?


No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.