Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

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I don’t think jokes about cocaine are funny. But an occasional one-liner can make me snort.


The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.


Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.


Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.



my nephew has a new classmate from Zimbabwe and upon discovering that Zimbabwe is in Africa (these kids are 6), the first thing everyone asked him is if he’d been to Wakanda. His reply: “no, there are force fields around it”


[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.


Me: *stops shaving*

Passing zookeeper: *shoots me with a tranquilizer dart*


If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.



The Shining is my favorite book about the importance of work-life balance