being a writer on Twitter:
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’m not stressed
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.