Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.