Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.

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ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?


If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.


No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.


I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…


Beer is for people who wanna get drunk, but later, after going to the bathroom a whole bunch of times.


I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.


Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.


Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.