Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
*seductively eats two tums*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”