My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
when you don’t want to be too vague
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…