@RobinMcCauley

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

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@ddsmidt

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

@sad_tree

*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@LOsepyan

Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan

@lahirip

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

@NikiWithIssues

Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he’s really into phone calls.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.