Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

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Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.



JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.


I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.


Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.


PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!


[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese


1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.


5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.