@RobinMcCauley

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

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@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

@MichaelTrying

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

@mrjohndarby

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

@Iffy_Penguin

resolutions:
1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.