Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am