Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
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Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
me when i see my girls butt
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty