@golubeerji

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

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@1Happytwit

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

@Elizasoul80

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

@Donna_McCoy

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

@yonewt

God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

@JustMeTurtle

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@PeterClayton6

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

@sageboggs

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics