Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.


Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice


They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.


Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.


God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.


[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.


“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics