Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
You Might Also Like
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’