Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
back to work
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business