Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”

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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ


Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.


“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”


*driving through the beautiful country side*

There really are endless options when it comes to dumping a corpse.


I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.


“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]


[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta


If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.


Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”


[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30