Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff