Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.
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Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now