Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
This meeting could have been a cake
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
How it started How it’s going
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?