Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.