[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Xylophonist Shredding It
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake